Here are my fantasies about what was said over the New Year's holiday, with inadequate acknowledgments to various contributors, some of whose words I've adapted a bit:
Democrats on the Republican congressional defeat: "Just remember it is lonely at the top when there is no one at the bottom."
The press's attitude toward President George Bush: "People say satire is dead. It is not dead; it is alive and living in the White House."
The public's contempt for corruption in politics: "Politics are so corrupt even the dishonest people get screwed."
The press on the new Congress: "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
The Democrats on their contempt for the Republican health plan: "Just say no to sickness."
A politician's assessment of TV commentary: "TV is the goose that lays the golden eggs. You can't blame it for not producing caviar."
The public's skepticism about bipartisanship: "The word bipartisan in politics usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."
The public on politics in general: "Look up the word politics in the dictionary. It is the combination of two words: poli, which means many, and tics, which means bloodsuckers."
The Republicans on Democratic suburban liberals: "It is easy to be politically correct and liberal when you live in a gated community."
The press on the political attitudes of the different parties: "A Democrat sees the glass of water half full; a Republican looks at the same glass and wonders who the hell drank his glass of water."
The press on the press: "Asking a journalist what he thinks about a politician is like asking a dog what he thinks about a lamppost."
Al Gore on the war in Iraq: "If they want peace, nations should avoid the pinprick that precedes cannon shots."
The liberal Democrats on the Republican Party: "Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in urging people to volunteer in their communities? Because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."
George Bush on his ambitions for transforming the world: "I would love to change the world, but I can't find a big enough diaper."
An economist on the disparity of incomes and the flow of income to higher income brackets: "A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place."
On Christmas gifts: "I have all these people to give Christmas gifts to, and you know what I find? There are some very nice things at the 99-cent store."
On personal finance: "I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money I will ever need if I die tomorrow." "At the ATM, they ask if you would like to conduct your business in English or Spanish. I suggest you try Spanish because your account balance would look much better in pesos." And "Money can't find happiness, but it helps you look for it in more places; and what's the use of happiness if it can't buy you money?"
Ministers on their support of birth control: "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."
A minister's view of evolution: "I don't understand evolution. If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Why couldn't they make it over the hump?"
The public on the age of technology: "I shop at a computer store called 'Your Crap Is Already Obsolete.'"
The public on cynicism about the police: "We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police." And a recent police study found that "you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
Advice on life: "The definition of old is always 15 years from now." "You know you are getting old when you walk at the cemetery and two guys run after you with a shovel."
Middle age: "when your age is starting to show around the middle."
On dating: "Men always say the most important thing in a woman is her sense of humor. Do you know what that means? They are looking for someone to laugh at their jokes."
On life: "People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door."
On ethnic traditions: "My mother is a typical Jewish mother; they sent her home from jury duty when she insisted she was guilty."
On the work ethic: "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit."